What it took for my Mind to change….

Hello Blogging world! Its been awhile so I thought I better check in:)So many thoughts are going through my mind that I could share…..I have been sober for the past 50 days and still counting! I do have a lot to share but am going to focus on what I feel led up to me actually giving in to the fact the my life was becoming “unmanageable” and I could no longer hide in the dark on my own.  The number UNO difference was to talk to just 1 person who knew what was going on in my head! The moment when I met with Chuck a man who my good friend had known was sober and in AA for over 22 years was the moment that I knew I didnt have to live in the shame and guilt any longer. He knew exactly how I felt and he did not pass judgement at all. He met me right where I was and gave me a copy of the big book for AA. He gave me a number of a lady who is now my wonderful sponsor (23 years sober). I called her right away because I knew what my mind would do…….give it a few days and in my mind I was ok..not alcoholic just needed more control, less stress, ect. and I would be drinking again. So I called before that thought came.  I met with her the next day and her story was so similar to mine….stay at home mom of three, well known hubby, martha stewart type, people pleaser, and lover of wine.   We shared stories and we both cried. It really amazed me that after being sober for 23 years she still cried when she remembered where she had come from.  With her I went to my first meeting scared to death that people would recognize me and not believing it had come to this.  But in that room I felt peace and I surrounded by people who want me to be better, who are cheering me on!

In those meetings I have found that even though we all come from all walks of life I learn from each one of them and though their stories may be very different than mine I can connect with some part of it.  I have met women who have the same story as mine and that gives me hope! So I went to AA wanting the answer to quit drinking but I have found much more. In those meetings I have learned to let go because I tried a hundred times on my own.  In AA i have learned steps to become a better person, to forgive, and to do the next “right ” thing. I can look in the mirror again and see my confidence building each day and for that I am grateful.  I have been where many of you are right now…trying to find an answer to why we continue to drink. I read books, I google searched everything on quitting, wrote out pros and cons, focus more on my kids, and on and on but it still lead me to drink.  I cant tell you how amazing it feels when you are honest with 1 person who has been through the same thing. I still cry when I think of how extremely lonley I was in my drinking and about the  nights when I would get up at 3 in the morning crying out to God to help me. Then the next day feeling like crap but pushing myself to have everything done like a good mom and wife should…..all the while hating who I had become.  Skipping one day of drinking because I wasnt going to do that again! And then that little voice saying “you are fine” “you are not an alcoholic” You can manage. But I couldnt manage…I knew I was hiding the bottle more and more, and drinking more and hating myself more because I had failed again:(   So it took me giving up this crazy idea that “I” could do it because I couldn’t.  It was extremely humbling but I can see a glimpse of the person that I once was and the person God wants me to be! Has it been all great with no problems along the way??? NOOOOO but I have a peace and a hope because there are people willing to guide me in this journey. My hubby still does not think I am alcoholic and hates the word but that is me…an alcoholic…like it or not.  And I am becoming better because of it. Dont sit in the “crap” or “shitty patch” (as my friend calls it) too long because it doesnt get any better it only gets worse.  And when you do decide to give up and get out of the crap You gain your life again:)!!! Have a  Happy New Year all! I look forward to remembering this one:)

30 Days Sober and feeling great!

Hello all! Been awhile but I am not such a great writer but I will share what I feel:) Even if it is written like a 6th grader;)! So today I get my 30 day chip! Crazy to think that! My sponsor will be getting her 23 year chip! wow! Her story is so much like mine: Closet wine drinker, stay at home mommy, well know hubby in the community, tried to quit by giving herself rules, read books on quitting, moderating,ect. She got sober at the same age as I am now….39!’

Tid bits on what I have learned the past 30 days:

– I gave up and in doing so I gained FREEDOM from the bondage that alcohol had on my mind and body

-I needed to meet with people who have gone through this and know how my mind works.  I am not the only person in the world with this problem…… so I feel I have hope!

-I am starting to be able to look in the mirror without the shame and guilt i carried for so long! I feel like my heart is 25 pounds lighter! i only wish the scale would show that!

-When I am thinking “poor me” and playing the victim I need to turn my focus on doing something for someone else:) nothing big just a smile, or opening the door for someone.

-I am NOT in control of other people and what they do. This in itself is so freeing as well. For so long I have tried to “control” my hubby, kids, ect. This is so exhausting! SO I let it go and focus on doing the next RIGHT thing!

– my face is clear

-my eyes aren’t bloodshot

-I have lost 3 pounds and have ate like crap:)

-wake up excited about LIFE!!!!

-Dont have to wake up each day and say to myself ” this is the day I change my life” I am in that process!

-No more crying out to God at 2 am and hating myself because I drank AgaiN!

-If I even think of drinking ( which has been rare) play the tape all the way through…….It may start as 1 to 2 glasses on the vino but I know its not enough and will end in me passed out and hating me for failing again!

-That my mind is one that I will NEVER be a normal drinker, it is a progressive thing.  In AA they talk of this all the time. One guy had been sober for 22 years and decided to take nyquil for a cold  and before he knew it he was on the crazy path again and died of complications of alcoholism.

-to truly be done drinking I had to become humble and admit I couldn’t do this on my own. It has to be a mind and heart change:) I had all the head knowledge but needed to feel it in my heart as well:)

So there it is:) Truly a better life without alcohol! I still walk into meetings a bit afraid of who I will see but hey they are there for the same issue so who cares….we are there to be better:)

Take Care out there! My best advise: even if you do not want to go to AA or some kind of recovery group call the 800 number for AA and try to meet one on one with someone who understands how you feel:)! It has saved my life to connect with others!

Courage: n. strength in the face of pain or grief

So I haven’t blogged for awhile but am doing great! I gave up and I am feel free! Last week I went to 3 AA meetings and met the most amazing compassionate people! The meetings where filled with people from all walks of life..young and old, rich and poor, and all different shades of color.  It felt like a dream to me.  Sitting there listening to so many stories of being thankful of where they had come from.  I felt like I was not alone in this for the first time in years! I cried through most of the meetings but everyone said the most incredible things to me:) Everyone kept saying I was courageous and brave. ME? I thought why do they say that? I felt humiliated, full of shame and guilt… not brave.  One guy gave me the name of a speaker on youtube, Berne’ Brown, that talks about being vulnerable. She explains that we are only free when we are vulnerable and that courage is when we show our true self even though we may be fearful of doing so.  It is a great speech on TED youtube so check it out:).  I then looked up courage in the dictionary. courage: noun 1. the ability to do something that frightens one. 2. Strength in the face of pain or grief.   On that day I was full of pain of the reality of who I had become and even though I was scared to death to step into an AA meeting I walked in with my eyes full of tears and my mind full of shame and I came out feeling hopeful for the future and loved just as I am.   So I guess I can say today that I was brave..brave enough to share my story with people who have been there done that.  And in that I felt free to be myself and admit I can’t do it on my own!

Day 9

So today is the day I step into my first AA meeting:/ Not quite sure how I feel about this? A little overwhelmed, fearful, and humbled that it came to this. Why didn’t I have enough self control? I begged God so many times to make me “normal” with my drinking. But I am realizing that I can never be normal with drinking…..I just have to be done with it. It can no longer define me or how I feel about me. This weekend I fantasized about getting dressed up for the holidays and having my wine and laughing having a great time however I know for me it would switch to “sneaking” more wine,and less control then hating myself all over again:( So I choose to go without. I also have been thinking about the person I was before I even started drinking so much and I remember loving who I was and what I stood for. I find  it helpful to reflect on the amazing times and memories I have when I wasn’t drinking.

Another thought from this past week came from the sermon on Sunday.  Our Pastor was talking about Gods Grace and forgiveness and how no sin we commit can ever be greater than his forgiveness. He even touched on addiction. He said that he is amazed at the freedom so many get from recovery but how some people say they will always struggle…..WHY when we don’t have to. If God has forgiven us and we have ourselves then we are free we are no longer in bondage. That does not mean we are not tempted but we don’t have to live the rest of our lives as a struggling victim. We can be free. I do have to say there is freedom in letting go of the bondage I have had to alcohol.  I will let you know how the first meeting goes:) I think I may need a tissue!

The GIG is up

So I haven’t been on here for several days BUT have not had a drop nor entertained the idea:) I am a very emotional person and when I saw my friend on Monday I knew she knew and we both just cried and I said I needed help.  The gig was up…I could not hide it any longer.  It was an ugly but beautiful moment. I felt FREE immediately (along with the shame , guilt, ect) She wasted no time in getting my hubby and other close friend involved. Fast forward 3 days….I have met with 2 people in AA who have been sober for 2o plus years. One will be my sponsor.  SHe has a similar story of being more a “closet” drinker, having a well known hubby and 3 kids at home. It was the scariest thing to do but I AM FREE! I know it will be hard but for today the gig is up and I am SOBER:) I am even able to look at myself in the mirror and see a glimpse of myself again!

TO tell or not to tell…That is the question?

So many things going on in my mind right now but probably the most consuming is to tell or not? I have 2 very close friends whom I have confided in somewhat.. I recently let them know at times I turn to the bottle to decompress and that I was working on that. Well they saw me this weekend with no “off” switch like they have and even though I tried to appear very with it and ok they know me well and I am sure they are concerned:( I feel an extremely heavy heart. Part of me wants to pour out my guts to them of this horrible place I have been in and the other part just wants to do this through the blogging world. What to do.. what to do? I am afraid of failure that if I tell and mess up I will feel worse about me and I Do not want to feel like I am under a microscope and people are trying to figure me out. I have confided in my Hubby and he for some reason still doesn’t get it? He thinks I just need to moderate. He has seen me drink daily to going only to drinking weekends ( if even that) over the past months. He thinks its no big deal…everyone we were with was drinking and having a good time. However I know I have a problem. I was the one sneaking an extra drink into the bathroom downing it like water and then walking back to the table with a new drink in hand. Problem? YES….Time to change! DAY 2…I know I will not drink today!

“I hate myself because I drink and I drink because I hate myself!”

So i have been commenting and following many blogs over that past 3 months and have decided to start my own on my last day 1! I have a messy relationship with alcohol and the cycle can be summed up as this” I hate myself because I drink and I drink because I hate myself.” I am a stay at home mom who has an amazing family and very supportive husband. I had told myself my day one was last monday however I knew that my true date would be today:)! We had 2 functions w friends this weekend and I knew I was not ready to face them without alcohol. So here it goes……my journey to see my life as Beautiful and be able to look at myself in the mirror and know who I am and what I stand for. I am tired of alcohol sucking the joy from my life. I am tired of getting up at 2 am and hating myself for not having control. I am tired of the mornings (like this one) where I want to jump out of my skin ahead in my  life and get further away from this person who I don’t know anymore. I am tired of hiding my drinking from everyone and sneaking a drink when no one is looking. I am tired of the GUILT. I have found no time is a good time to quit except for the present because there will always be Thanksgiving, New years, a fundraiser, a tailgate, a birthday….So if I  keep telling myself after this event or that then I will quit. It will never happen. Over the past few years I have known that I have a problem but have thought time and time again that I could “moderate” the problem. Since reading the blogs I have gone from a bottle a day of wine each evening (which I hid from everyone) to drinking 2 times a week but I do not have the off switch like so many people do. I have given myself so any rules and regulations on my drinking and end up feeling like a failure once again because I could not follow through with my rules:(. Everyone out there reading this is my support and accountability. My husband is well known in our community and I am not ready to go to AA just yet. I am afraid of me failing again but pray this time will be different:)))))Cant wait to be on day 30, 60, 90 like so many of you have done!

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