Hello Blogging world! Its been awhile so I thought I better check in:)So many thoughts are going through my mind that I could share…..I have been sober for the past 50 days and still counting! I do have a lot to share but am going to focus on what I feel led up to me actually giving in to the fact the my life was becoming “unmanageable” and I could no longer hide in the dark on my own. The number UNO difference was to talk to just 1 person who knew what was going on in my head! The moment when I met with Chuck a man who my good friend had known was sober and in AA for over 22 years was the moment that I knew I didnt have to live in the shame and guilt any longer. He knew exactly how I felt and he did not pass judgement at all. He met me right where I was and gave me a copy of the big book for AA. He gave me a number of a lady who is now my wonderful sponsor (23 years sober). I called her right away because I knew what my mind would do…….give it a few days and in my mind I was ok..not alcoholic just needed more control, less stress, ect. and I would be drinking again. So I called before that thought came. I met with her the next day and her story was so similar to mine….stay at home mom of three, well known hubby, martha stewart type, people pleaser, and lover of wine. We shared stories and we both cried. It really amazed me that after being sober for 23 years she still cried when she remembered where she had come from. With her I went to my first meeting scared to death that people would recognize me and not believing it had come to this. But in that room I felt peace and I surrounded by people who want me to be better, who are cheering me on!
In those meetings I have found that even though we all come from all walks of life I learn from each one of them and though their stories may be very different than mine I can connect with some part of it. I have met women who have the same story as mine and that gives me hope! So I went to AA wanting the answer to quit drinking but I have found much more. In those meetings I have learned to let go because I tried a hundred times on my own. In AA i have learned steps to become a better person, to forgive, and to do the next “right ” thing. I can look in the mirror again and see my confidence building each day and for that I am grateful. I have been where many of you are right now…trying to find an answer to why we continue to drink. I read books, I google searched everything on quitting, wrote out pros and cons, focus more on my kids, and on and on but it still lead me to drink. I cant tell you how amazing it feels when you are honest with 1 person who has been through the same thing. I still cry when I think of how extremely lonley I was in my drinking and about the nights when I would get up at 3 in the morning crying out to God to help me. Then the next day feeling like crap but pushing myself to have everything done like a good mom and wife should…..all the while hating who I had become. Skipping one day of drinking because I wasnt going to do that again! And then that little voice saying “you are fine” “you are not an alcoholic” You can manage. But I couldnt manage…I knew I was hiding the bottle more and more, and drinking more and hating myself more because I had failed again:( So it took me giving up this crazy idea that “I” could do it because I couldn’t. It was extremely humbling but I can see a glimpse of the person that I once was and the person God wants me to be! Has it been all great with no problems along the way??? NOOOOO but I have a peace and a hope because there are people willing to guide me in this journey. My hubby still does not think I am alcoholic and hates the word but that is me…an alcoholic…like it or not. And I am becoming better because of it. Dont sit in the “crap” or “shitty patch” (as my friend calls it) too long because it doesnt get any better it only gets worse. And when you do decide to give up and get out of the crap You gain your life again:)!!! Have a Happy New Year all! I look forward to remembering this one:)